Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I'm a Plumber, Woo!

Although, a plumber may mock me for the problem in the first place.  I put a bucket under that "U" shaped pipe under the sink and pull it off.  It looked like a cap.  It took me a second to realize that it was hardened grease.  Mmhmm.  Thank you, "experts", for saying to wash down grease with cold water so it hardens early in the event that it clogs the drain.  It made it easy to clean, and now it works great again!  At the same time, and "expert" would never tell you  to pour grease down the drain as it is ;)

Another thing, and maybe I'm just falling off my rocker here, but I miss courtship.  You know, new love...flirting, eyeing, asking yourself "does he really like me."  I hate to be cliche, but there's no mystery!  Yes, I know he likes me.  He married me, for crying out loud, but there *could* be more mystery than that... spontaneity, I mean!  I know we don't have money to go out for a night on the town.  Even when we do go out, there's no holding hands or "I love yous".  We drive to the park, walk around, then go home.

I still get butterflies, but I just don't know if he does anymore.  I still try to be attentive and affectionate, and all I get home after I've been working since 7am on Saturday is, "can I use your phone?  My phone won't work."  I try to bat my eyes and I get, "what are you staring at?"  I try to be silly and poke fun, and he gets all offended or acts like I'm bothering him.

Sometimes he'll walk up behind me while I'm doing dishes and give me a kiss, a moment, but not nearly as often as I'd like.  And then he wonders why I'm grouchy, etc.  I don't care about sex (to an extent, of course).  I care about the little things.  I like when he just holds me and kisses me on the forehead.  I like when he rubs my back, but I have to beg for hugs, quiet kisses, and as we're falling asleep he rolls over so I can rub his back.

I know there's a point where you get comfortable and the excitement goes away, but I'm not even talking about the excitement...like I said, I want the little things!  It sounds so stereotypical woman of me to be saying all of this, but these are the things he used to do and was very passionate about doing.  We don't just sit and stare into each other's eyes.  I stare when he's sleeping.  I notice how he's changed over the years, both physically, and mentally.

I can't help but feel that my weight has affected the way he thinks of me, because I know it's certainly affected the way I think about myself.  I know he said he loved me before I lost all of the weight the first time, but coming back to TN and seeing me thinner, I know it's been hard on both of us to see me heavy again.  It's so much harder to lose the weight this time.

Maybe I'm just crazy, and maybe marriage really is a boring and awful as people make it sound.  I try to work at it and show him that I love him.  Everything I do is devoted to him and us.  It's the only thing that keeps everything else around me okay and tolerable.  I really think that love is all that matters.  Yes, you need money to function in this world, but focusing on your relationship and love for one another keeps you mentally prepared to work through the short comings.  When you devote your time to making another person happy, it spreads and you can't help but be happy, too.  As for him, he's more worried about being able to buy this action figure or that action figure.  He's so materialistic!  Maybe that isn't a thought process, but a personality difference?

Maybe I'm being selfish because he buys all of these material things and I feel I can't because of my debts I'm paying off.  But, he has debts, too.  Maybe money really is the problem here.

Is that the Mad Hatter, I see?!

And, of course, as I start crying and feeling down about the whole thing, he comes home and kisses me hello.  WHY does he only ever do that when I'm ready to crash and burn?!  He doesn't even know about these issues because they feel petty and ridiculous so I don't want him to worry about it.  Yet, here I am ranting to the public.  I did state in my first post that this is my place to rant and sort through my thoughts, though.  Welcome to my mind!

*sigh*  I think I've been stuck inside too much today.  I'm going to finish laundry and put together my recipe binder.

Sorry for the rant.

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