I wanted something sweet so I stopped to get some caramel corn. I thought to turn around in the parking lot and leave, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I thought I was making a conscious decision to enjoy said treat, but when I got to the check out line I felt my ears get hot and my blood pressure go up. I should have put it down, but at this point the caramel corn became a gotta have it now sort of thing. I felt frantic that an inanimate object had so much control over me. I bought it. I paid $1.07 for an anxiety attack.
When I got back to the car I noticed a missed call from my mom. I almost didn't call her back because it would interrupt digging into my drug of choice. I called anyway. She said I sounded distracted. I claimed it was because there wasn't much to talk about, but honestly I was just irritated that I didn't have an extra hand...one to drive, one to hold the phone, and one to mindlessly transport food to my face.
I have a serious problem. I turned down cake at a wedding celebration and was so proud of myself because I was at peace and content with that choice. Then I find myself irritable with my own mother over a dollar bag of crunchy sugar. I caught myself and corrected the behavior at the moment, but it didn't stop me from scarfing it down when the call ended.
I know it's all my doing and I just need to get over it, but it's so much easier said than done. At the core of it I blame my parents. They made me very self conscious about my weight while I was growing up. I blame their food choices and I fear for my youngest sister as she is stuck with similar food options. I grew up with massive amount of processed food an snacks. My mom was possessive and weird about her Nutty Buddy bars and Mountain Dew. No joke. She got really mean about it if you just asked for one. At the same time, though, processed food is really all thy could afford. Now, though I know *how* to make the right food choices, I really struggle with following through.
It sounds silly, but I would like more than anything to eat a mostly vegan, even raw vegan diet, but I can't maintain that sort of lifestyle financially...not with my omnivore husband, anyway. It's expensive buying for two lifestyle food choices. We're looking into a different living arrangement...hopefully cheaper. If it works out I look forward to being able to participate in the lifestyle, but for now I really need to learn ti work with what I have.
I know I'm not alone in these struggles and it would be amazing if I could find someone with a similar mindset who's made it and succeeded in their battles.
These issues have really taking their toll on my weight in the past seven years (I've mentioned my weight loss in high school). There are days where I really feel in control and am able to happily make good, conscious choices, but it's mentally draining to keep reminding yourself to make those choices.
I'm just tired and exhausted of this battle. It consumes all if my time and energy. I really don't think it's any better than someone trying to quit smoking.
That's all I have for today. Thanks for listening to my heartache <3