Saturday, March 23, 2013


I mentioned last year (September, I believe) that there is an energy of change around us.  This was shortly after we found out that my husband's grandmother was not doing well and realized she would soon be passing.  It was the start of a series of events that greatly affected us, as individuals, and as a couple.

The events are as follows:

His grandmother *did* pass shortly after the statement.  I still think about her.  I am fortunate to have known her and to have been able to visit Texas and have her visit as many times as we did.

The company I work for transferred me from a position I loved to a position that I previously left because I didn't love it so much.  This transfer included a 45 minutes commute (vs 10 min), a $1 less an hour (compiled with extra gas usage, another state's taxes, and the federal tax increase after the new year, I make $350-380 less in take home pay A MONTH), but coworkers that I am very happy to have met.  I'm bitter about it, but at the same time, if given the chance to transfer back to my home city, I wouldn't do it.  I was growing miserable there.

Our two best friends got engaged on Christmas Eve <3

Within the past month my coworker's grandmother passed away, my dad's neighbor that I'd known since I was born (or at least very small) passed away, and deaths seem to roll in 3s and 5s so I've had this digging feeling that something bad was going to happen.  Yesterday I missed two phone calls while at work.  I was there till close so after we slowed down to waiting on people to finish bleeding (that sounds awful), I got my phone to tweet my friends.  I wanted to get some wine and play video games as it *was* Friday night.  I noticed the most recent missed call (didn't notice the first one), but there was no message or text.  Typically I would call on my way home, but something told me to call immediately.  My dad didn't want to tell me while I was at work, but I kind of pressured him.  He informed me that my mamaw had passed.  The thing that hurt the most, at first, was hearing him choke up about it.  He's grown quite emotional in the past few years, but I still think, as his little girl, that he never cries.  I tried to collect myself before anything happened, but I just burst into wailing tears when I hung up the phone.  I was a big embarrassed, but I couldn't help it.  I tried to stop it, but it just kept coming.

I ended up with a migraine, and I certainly couldn't drive 45 minutes to get home.  I would have caught a ride home with Diane, but I didn't want to have to come back to work on my day off just to pick up the car so my mom and her friend came to get me.  My migraine escalated to severe nausea and a pounding bad that it prevented me from falling asleep at first so Ryan sat with me until I crashed.  I didn't wake up until 7 this morning.  I told my dad I would visit him last night, but I didn't want to deal with everyone hanging on me and crying as I was already exhausted and miserable.  I wanted to be there for my dad mostly, but he had support around him.  I wanted to be there for my papaw, but he's got his kids and prayer.  My understanding is that he had prayed for her as she had been suffering on and off for the past few years so I guess he is at peace with it.

She passed in her sleep, by the way.  It's beautiful, really.  I wish everyone had the opportunity to just...go to sleep and not wake up.  I think I'm mostly torn up because I wasn't expecting it.  She hasn't been in the hospital for weeks with failing organs or disease.  She never really got frail.  She still looked so lively.  She had slowed down and mostly sat in her spot in the kitchen, but I still thought of her as a strong person.  I mean, she raised my aunts and uncles.  I guess her body was just tired and done.

I am sad for my papaw as he had to come to the conclusion of her passing when he went to wake her.  I am sad for my dad who's never really lost anyone that he has deeply and truly cared about.  I am sad for her brother and my aunts and uncles.  I am sad for my youngest sister as she is quite young and will never have the chance to sit and listen to her experiences and advice.  I am sad that I won't get to talk to her about her plants and birds, or that I will never get to play piano for her again.  I am sad that she will never get to see my children or teach them the things she taught me.  I am sad that I won't get to share my successes with her.  I miss her so much already.

I woke up crying this morning.  I didn't even know it was possible to wake up already crying.  Because of this, I suddenly look like I'm 50 years old with no sleep as my skin has developed an odd color, and I have horrendous bags under my eyes.  My mom told me I could call her no matter what time it was.  I started to when I woke in the middle of the night, but I didn't really have anything to talk about.  I just wanted to sit with someone and Ryan was asleep.  I am thankful that I was surrounded by Diane and the coworkers I happened to be with last night when I found out.  I love my work family.  They're so wonderful <3

It is early, yet.  I'm going to try to get some sleep before the day expects something from me.

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